I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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