we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
