u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
