it wasn't lemon gatorade
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
