what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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