My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
