this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
