Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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