Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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