I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's never too late to be topless.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
