I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
