Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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