this beer tastes like vomit already
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
