Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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