so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
