Don't you send me to vm
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
