Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
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why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
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New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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