I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
