the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
