so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
