I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
