So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
