Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Boobs speak an international language.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
