im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
