we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
