that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
