somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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