break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
