I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
