I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
