Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How does it feel to date your dad?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
