The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
