My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
