battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
