In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
