I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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