I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
