Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
