I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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