My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
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