A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I am mentally ready for anal.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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