My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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