I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
