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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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• (515): View more from Iowa

  I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.

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  19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD

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• (727): View more from Florida

  You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.

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• (949): View more from California

  He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick

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• (910): View more from North Carolina

  Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.

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• (949): View more from California

  I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.

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  25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.

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• (774): View more from Massachusetts

  stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick

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• (951): View more from California

  oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.

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• (937): View more from Ohio

  I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!

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• (605): View more from South Dakota

  You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...

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