Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
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It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
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Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.