when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm too high and old for this...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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