he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
