Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
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Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
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I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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