I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
