Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
