It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
