He asked to "fluff my boner.."
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
