nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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