sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
im calling her cock vulture from now on
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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