There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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