Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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