you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
