Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
