Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
