So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
