If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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