im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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