I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
